Today I'm really stressed out trying to organize a fundraiser for my volunteer program.
I've done this before and everything has worked out just fine. During the prep time for a competition, I was in full-on panic mode most of the time and couldn't calm down. It went really well in the end, but that didn't help the anxiety of the event itself. The disappointing part is that I get anxious waiting for others to respond to me. Things I have no control over. It's actually something we used to talk about a lot in therapy groups: managing stress caused by stuff you have no control over. Clearly, I'm still not very good at it. The skill is called Radical Acceptance. It's learning to simply accept what is happening around you when you have no power to change it, because sometimes that's just the way things are. Like learning to accept a family member's illness or the weather. Well - the weather is a mild example. But it's a similar process. We have to accept the fact that sometimes it's sunny and sometimes it rains and we have to change our plans accordingly whether we like it or not. Believe it or not, that's a form of radical acceptance. It does get a lot harder when it's something like a stressful activity or event. So why is it called "radical acceptance"? Because it's totally and entirely accepting a reality that you simply can't change. Sometimes it's an event or something else external, but other times it may be an emotion. Any emotion. We can't stop emotions from happening, and we shouldn't try. Boxing them up can cause more problems down the way than letting them out and accepting their existence early on. With this skill, the words "shouldn't" and "should" are your enemies. Each time you tell yourself "I shouldn't be feeling this", "I should be able to manage this" (which is something I say to myself all the time) or "things shouldn't be this way", you're rejecting reality instead of accepting it. Step 1: Notice yourself rejecting reality Step 2: Remind yourself that this reality is out of your control and can't be changed Step 3: Remind yourself that something is causing this to happen this way Step 4: Use accepting self-talk, relaxation, or opposite actions (doing the opposite of what your mind/emotion tells you to do - I'm scared and want to hide forever...so I get out and face my fear) to accept the situation Some accepting self-talk might be: "this is how it is and that's okay", "there's nothing I can do to change this", "I can do this". Everybody relaxes in different ways so for that one you'll have to find your favourite method. Opposite action is hard. Really hard. But it definitely isn't impossible. My emotions of anger, fear, and sadness may make me want to cut to alleviate the pain, but I can choose to use the skills I've learned instead. That's it - I've accepted the pain and chosen to use opposite action to manage it. Keep in mind that just because you accept something doesn't mean you're giving in to it or agreeing with it. Reality is what it is. I can accept that war happens, but I don't agree with it. Also remember that radical acceptance is for things you can't change. If you can do something to fix the hurt, try it before telling yourself that this is just the way it is and there's nothing you can do about it. Let reality be what it is. Change what you can change and accept what you can't.
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We've all had our own versions of a "bad day". Maybe you woke up with a cold or realized last minute that a paper was due last night. Some people start off a bad day with an empty coffee tin, others are so busy that the bad day doesn't hit them until midnight.
I want to tell you about what a bad day looks like in my world. My bad days have nothing to do with coffee or a flu or an assignment. It's just part of my depression. Even with me, bad days can really vary: I don't want to get out of bed, I just feel "off", I want to hide in a corner and not come out, I want to cut again. I'm getting good at battling the bad days, but a few years ago, these bad days would have destroyed me. The funny part of this is that the bad days I experience now are exactly the same as the ones I used to have. The desire to cut or to hide and never come out is always there somewhere, and they get stronger on bad days; the difference is now I can cope with it. Not on my own, of course, but that's okay. I don't mind needing some help now and then...more than now and then. Everyone has a different way of dealing with a bad day. Some people go back to sleep or skip work/school or go buy expensive coffee and push through it. I used to push through it (without coffee...coffee is gross), until I shoved everything so far away that when it came back, I was stuck under this massive pile of "bad" and couldn't get out. I still push things aside, but I'm better at chipping away at it and managing it instead of letting the pile get out of control. A lot of the therapy I took was focused around coping - during, before, and after a "bad" moment. Even after all the therapy, I don't use all the skills because they don't all work for me. I do, however, have some favourites:
Bad days suck. They're frustrating even when they haven't happened yet. Sometimes you get stuck with it (like getting a cold), but sometimes you can get yourself through it with a little help. I have all these skills, and I still need a reminder now and then to keep trying them, especially on a bad day. So maybe, the next time you have a bad day, give these a try. There are a lot more out there, and you can learn more about Dialectical Behavioural Therapy if you want to (I learned all these skills in a DBT group). I hope this helps with your next bad day. It helps with mine. |
AuthorA volunteer. A dancer. A teacher. An observer. Archives
November 2016
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