Recently, life has been rough on me. My friends are keeping a very close eye on me because they're worried I might hurt myself. I'm not going to deny it - they have reason to worry. I'm worried about me, too. But it's about time I just accepted that worry. In my last post, I talked about a skill called "radical acceptance". A very difficult thing to do. For this post, I want to focus more on the thing I face.
I've accepted my situation. That was the easy part. Now I'm in the process of trying to figure out why I am where I am in my mind. I have a very strong urge to harm myself; it's been there for a long time and never really goes away. But now I've been working with my therapist to try to figure out why I have these urges and thoughts. One answer is simple: because I have BPD (borderline personality disorder). Borderline personality disorder is complicated. Really complicated. It's partly because no one really understands it yet, and they haven't even come up with a better name for it. A person with BPD is said to be on the borderline between neurosis and psychosis. Neurosis is simply those disorders without psychosis. Psychosis is when someone loses touch with reality. People with BPD sort of flip-flop right on top of that line. Sometimes we experience psychotic-type symptoms, without full-blown hallucinations or delusions, other times our condition is on the "milder" side with symptoms of anxiety and depression and the like. My therapist today said that I've recently exhibited that line well with the phrase "the thoughts are so loud they may as well be voices". That's when I was leaning toward the psychosis side of the line. And I knew it. I even went to my case manager (a nurse) to talk about whether or not I was indeed dealing with psychotic behaviour because the thoughts in my head were so loud. BPD is a disorder that people talk about in TV shows because some of its characteristics are a lack of control over anger and relatively rapid, out of control mood swings (over hours to days). I know at least one TV show where the serial killer often has BPD or something similar. It's very frustrating, really. We don't all become wild and crazed serial killers when we get angry. My anger is always turned inward. That brings me to another symptom of BPD: self-harm. I hate myself. I have for a long time, and I'm not really sure why. I'll always find something about myself to hate, I think. But my hate and anger turn into self-harm. I'm pretty well controlled right now, but for long periods of time, I was cutting and hitting and burning and scratching and banging my head and choking...the list goes on. I went and found just about every way I could harm myself and still live. Self-harm is a really common symptom of BPD. So much so, that the DBT (dialectical behavioural therapy) groups spend time focusing on just self-harm behaviours, We also have trouble with relationships. Sometimes that means having many casual relations, sometimes it means having trouble dealing with people. I have trouble dealing with people. Take my family for example. I love them all very much, but I also really don't like them. I've never understood how to manage people and relationships with people. My interpersonal skills (as they're called) are severely lacking. And yet, I can go to a stranger and comfort them in an emergency...go figure that one out! Anyway, we have a tendency to worry a lot about abandonment. Being abandoned physically and emotionally. That makes dealing with people that much harder if we're always scared we're going to lose them. One final symptom that I'm going to mention is dissociation. Dissociation is kind of like "zoning out". Time moves forward and backward fluidly, and we can't always stay in one place. There's full dissociation and what I call emotional dissociation. When I dissociate, it's usually emotionally. I separate from myself and lose control over me. I start to appear emotionally flat to others, and I don't experience the "right" emotions. I dissociate when I get stressed so I can deal with whatever is causing it, because otherwise, my emotions get in the way. I appear happy when I should be scared or upset. I just don't act like myself...not quite. The tough part is that I don't always know I'm dissociating. Sometimes it's obvious to me and I can physically feel the separation - like when I'm cutting and I don't feel the pain that should be there. But other times, I don't feel any different (from my perspective), and only know I was dissociating in retrospect. "Unstable" is the term they use in the psychology books. Everything about BPD is unstable. Instability on that line between neurosis and psychosis. Instability in relationships. Instability in emotional regulation. Instability in emotions themselves. What can others do about it? Well, for one, you can be understanding. Give us time to deal with things. Don't expect a problem to go away once it's solved. Be patient with us. Know that self-harm is not an easy thing to stop, and it's going to take us a long time to balance things out and get back on track again. Educate yourself on BPD. If you notice us dissociating, help bring us back to reality. Remind us to take care of ourselves, because we often neglect to do so. Overall, just understand, or try to at the very least. And don't be afraid to ask: what's it like having BPD? (but don't be too surprised if we can't explain it...as I said earlier, it's complicated) Sorry if my post today was a little scrambled. My head's a little scrambled right now.
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Today I'm really stressed out trying to organize a fundraiser for my volunteer program.
I've done this before and everything has worked out just fine. During the prep time for a competition, I was in full-on panic mode most of the time and couldn't calm down. It went really well in the end, but that didn't help the anxiety of the event itself. The disappointing part is that I get anxious waiting for others to respond to me. Things I have no control over. It's actually something we used to talk about a lot in therapy groups: managing stress caused by stuff you have no control over. Clearly, I'm still not very good at it. The skill is called Radical Acceptance. It's learning to simply accept what is happening around you when you have no power to change it, because sometimes that's just the way things are. Like learning to accept a family member's illness or the weather. Well - the weather is a mild example. But it's a similar process. We have to accept the fact that sometimes it's sunny and sometimes it rains and we have to change our plans accordingly whether we like it or not. Believe it or not, that's a form of radical acceptance. It does get a lot harder when it's something like a stressful activity or event. So why is it called "radical acceptance"? Because it's totally and entirely accepting a reality that you simply can't change. Sometimes it's an event or something else external, but other times it may be an emotion. Any emotion. We can't stop emotions from happening, and we shouldn't try. Boxing them up can cause more problems down the way than letting them out and accepting their existence early on. With this skill, the words "shouldn't" and "should" are your enemies. Each time you tell yourself "I shouldn't be feeling this", "I should be able to manage this" (which is something I say to myself all the time) or "things shouldn't be this way", you're rejecting reality instead of accepting it. Step 1: Notice yourself rejecting reality Step 2: Remind yourself that this reality is out of your control and can't be changed Step 3: Remind yourself that something is causing this to happen this way Step 4: Use accepting self-talk, relaxation, or opposite actions (doing the opposite of what your mind/emotion tells you to do - I'm scared and want to hide forever...so I get out and face my fear) to accept the situation Some accepting self-talk might be: "this is how it is and that's okay", "there's nothing I can do to change this", "I can do this". Everybody relaxes in different ways so for that one you'll have to find your favourite method. Opposite action is hard. Really hard. But it definitely isn't impossible. My emotions of anger, fear, and sadness may make me want to cut to alleviate the pain, but I can choose to use the skills I've learned instead. That's it - I've accepted the pain and chosen to use opposite action to manage it. Keep in mind that just because you accept something doesn't mean you're giving in to it or agreeing with it. Reality is what it is. I can accept that war happens, but I don't agree with it. Also remember that radical acceptance is for things you can't change. If you can do something to fix the hurt, try it before telling yourself that this is just the way it is and there's nothing you can do about it. Let reality be what it is. Change what you can change and accept what you can't. Productive. "Achieving or producing a significant amount or result."
This is one of the words on my personal "Top 10 words I hate" list. It gets thrown around like some sort of expectation. You know how everyone's supposed to be different? That applies here too. I want to share with you two different days: Day 1) I wake up. I take my meds. I answer an email. I go back to sleep. I wake up. I go back to sleep. I wake up. I eat a little. I take my meds. I go to sleep. Day 2) I wake up. I take my meds. I answer an email. I get on the bus. I go to the library. I go do cadet work. I go downtown. I buy food/snacks. I go to the other library. I go home on the bus. I put away my food. I answer and write more emails. I write a few scenarios. I do more cadet work. I play video games. I take out the trash. I do the dishes. I do the laundry. I play games on my computer. I talk to a friend. I have dinner. I talk to my friend some more. I go grocery shopping. I come home. I take my meds. I go to sleep. Which day seems productive? Answer: they both are. Productive is a relative term. Sometimes, Day 1 is all I can handle, and that's ok. I did 3 productive things: I took all my meds on time. I answered an email. I ate. Other times, I need Day 2 to be able to function. It's all relative. Today, I found myself getting angry at me because I "wasn't doing anything". I was sitting in a chair doing "nothing". I forgot that productivity is relative. Besides, I did get a lot done today other than sitting in my chair. I went to cadets and sat in a chair there. I went to a meeting. I call that a productive day. I know how hard it can be to remind yourself that productive is a relative term. The point of this entry is to remind you to tell yourself: I WAS productive today. .....Clearly you were, because you are reading this now; because you are awake. That's a productive day in my books..... Have you ever wondered how some drawings can look so realistic that you almost trip (or actually trip) because it looks like you stepped over the edge of a cliff? How about those famous illusions where there's a rabbit and a duck, or 2 faces and a vase? Optical illusions have always fascinated me, not because they are cool - which they are - but because of the ability for an illusion to manipulate the way our brains interpret our vision. Let's start off easy: What do you see? A white vase? Two silhouetted faces? This illusion makes use of our mind's ability to look at positive and negative space. Some people will see the vase first, others the two faces first. I'm not sure how this affects others, but I find that with every focal change (my eyes adjusting) I flip back and forth between the positive and negative spaces. Personally, I can't see them both at once. Leave me a comment if you can see them simultaneously, it'd be neat to know whether others can see it like that. Moving forward to another one: This is another "Which do you see first?" illusion. There are two people in this picture, and by changing how you focus your eyes you can see them both. While the first illusion focused on negative and positive space, this one makes use of a single image that can be interpreted in two different ways.
So who do you see first? The young woman or the old lady? At the end of this month is "Organ and Tissue Donors Awareness Week". I wanted to say a few words on this because it isn't well known that Canadian Blood Services does a lot more than just blood. Through them, you can donate blood (of course), stem cells, umbilical cord blood, organs and other tissue. Even if you can't be a blood donor, you can often donate stem cells or other tissue. Personally, I can't be a blood donor. I want to be, but there are too many medications in my system. I could possibly donate stem cells, but I have a tendency to procrastinate and just haven't gone in to find out if I'm allowed to register as a donor. I'd also like to be listed as an organ donor if possible. Like I said, I have a tendency to procrastinate and haven't gone in. Here are some interesting facts about donating blood and other tissue:
Canadian Blood Services has clinics all over Canada.
So...want to help save a few lives? We've all had our own versions of a "bad day". Maybe you woke up with a cold or realized last minute that a paper was due last night. Some people start off a bad day with an empty coffee tin, others are so busy that the bad day doesn't hit them until midnight.
I want to tell you about what a bad day looks like in my world. My bad days have nothing to do with coffee or a flu or an assignment. It's just part of my depression. Even with me, bad days can really vary: I don't want to get out of bed, I just feel "off", I want to hide in a corner and not come out, I want to cut again. I'm getting good at battling the bad days, but a few years ago, these bad days would have destroyed me. The funny part of this is that the bad days I experience now are exactly the same as the ones I used to have. The desire to cut or to hide and never come out is always there somewhere, and they get stronger on bad days; the difference is now I can cope with it. Not on my own, of course, but that's okay. I don't mind needing some help now and then...more than now and then. Everyone has a different way of dealing with a bad day. Some people go back to sleep or skip work/school or go buy expensive coffee and push through it. I used to push through it (without coffee...coffee is gross), until I shoved everything so far away that when it came back, I was stuck under this massive pile of "bad" and couldn't get out. I still push things aside, but I'm better at chipping away at it and managing it instead of letting the pile get out of control. A lot of the therapy I took was focused around coping - during, before, and after a "bad" moment. Even after all the therapy, I don't use all the skills because they don't all work for me. I do, however, have some favourites:
Bad days suck. They're frustrating even when they haven't happened yet. Sometimes you get stuck with it (like getting a cold), but sometimes you can get yourself through it with a little help. I have all these skills, and I still need a reminder now and then to keep trying them, especially on a bad day. So maybe, the next time you have a bad day, give these a try. There are a lot more out there, and you can learn more about Dialectical Behavioural Therapy if you want to (I learned all these skills in a DBT group). I hope this helps with your next bad day. It helps with mine. This last weekend, I got to experience the joy of a fire alarm nearing the end of its life. This is partly my fault, because I should have replaced the thing when I moved in 3 years ago and I didn't.
For those who don't know, here are some fire alarm basics:
In my case, my who-knows-how-old wired-in fire alarm started going off at 4:30 in the morning - making for a very groggy and grumpy me - with random beeps and screeches. The first time, I thought I had been dreaming because it didn't continue and I didn't hear a peep out of it until the next night. Well, the second time I knew it was the alarm, so I got up, checked the house to make sure the thing wasn't reacting to any actual problems, took a look at my CO detector and my downstairs alarm, and eventually started looking up how to shut the thing up. I pulled out the step ladder, checked to see if it had back-up batteries (it didn't), vacuumed it in case dust or bugs were setting it off, took it partway off the ceiling to see if the wires were loose, and ended up calling my mum at 4:30 in the morning. Now I have the breaker switched off, and my battery powered alarm is upstairs outside my bedroom until I can put in a new wired alarm. ...Before anyone yells at me, I knew there wasn't a fire because it was beeping randomly. One steady wail from it and I'd be out of the house. I checked anyway, though. Just in case. Here are a few neat things I've learned about fire detectors: An ionization alarm best detects the fires that make a lot of flame very quickly (flaming fires). These alarms have a constant flow of energy passing between two plates. When the smoke particles enter the chamber, they disrupt the flow of electricity and that sets off the alarm. These are also the alarms that go off all the time when you burn food. Photoelectric alarms are better for fires with less flame and more smoke (smoldering fires). These ones rely on the smoke to interrupt a beam of light. Inside the alarm, a light (visible, infrared, or UV) beam is shone at a sensor, and when the smoke interrupts that beam enough, the alarm goes off. There is a second type of photoelectric detector that is exactly opposite: the beam points away from the sensor, and when the smoke makes the light hit the sensor, the alarm goes off. This is why I tried vacuuming the alarm. Sometimes dust particles or bugs can set these alarms off. For people who have hearing difficulty, there are accessories that use strobe lights and pillow- or bed-shakers to wake the person up. I don't know what devices are out there right now, but I know that a lot of these are triggered by the shriek of the normal detector going off. There's some awesome info out there if you just look for it. Do, because it's worth it. I have a lot of friends who provide medical care. First aiders, first responders, paramedics, nurses, physicians...the list goes on. Recently, there has been a lot more information coming out about the safety (or lack thereof) of these jobs, a lot of it focused on emergency responders. It's unfortunate that so little gratitude and support is given to these people. I'm not going to comment on the system itself because I'm not writing to complain about the way things should be. What I want to focus on is PTSD and the major effects it has on those who experience it. As with any other mental illness, this condition is not suffered by "just" a specific group of people (for example emergency or military personnel), and is in no way mild or whining or "focusing on the bad stuff". This is a legitimate and often debilitating condition that unfortunately drives many people to suicide. The Canadian Mental Health Association gives this description of PTSD: "Frightening situations happen to everyone at some point. People can react in many different ways: they might feel nervous, have a hard time sleeping well, or go over the details of the situation in their mind. These thoughts or experiences are a normal reaction. They usually decrease over time and the people involved can go back to their daily lives. Post-traumatic stress disorder, on the other hand, lasts much longer and can seriously disrupt a person’s life." Think of it this way: Imagine a day when something scary happened. You might feel scared for a while or try to problem-solve or have a few bad dreams. Now, imagine those experiences multiplying ten-fold in severity, and being triggered by everyday situations or just happening over and over randomly. Imagine not being able to sleep for days because you're too scared to close your eyes and relive the trauma again. Imagine thinking through the scenario in your mind and desperately trying to understand it, hoping to figure it out so it'll go away. Imagine being scared to leave your home because nowhere feels safe. Now, I don't have PTSD. I do get nightmares every single night, and I spend a lot of time trying to understand my depression so that it'll make sense and I won't feel guilty or responsible for its effects. To this day, I regularly relive my past experiences when things get rough. I want to share a video with you. It doesn't belong to me. I don't own the copyright. I just want to share one of the best TV examples of PTSD that I have ever seen. M*A*S*H is a show from the 70's and early 80's about a group of medical personnel who ended up working for the army in South Korea. It ran for 11 seasons, and I highly recommend borrowing, renting or buying the DVDs (the first couple seasons are comedy gold - in my opinion). The sound is out of sync, the video isn't high quality, and the title is wrong. Just watch from 17:30 to 22:30 for the clip of a doctor who experiences sudden and severe PTSD that he wasn't even aware of. In 2014, 13 Canadian first responders committed suicide - in 10 weeks. That's more than 1 person per week. (See the Global News article here)
I don't like writing about sad or frustrating things, but we can't deny that this exists and that it is dangerous. It isn't another problem to be pushed to the back of your mind to be dealt with later and it isn't something to hide or be ashamed of. Those things are still going to happen, I know that, so please, if you are dealing with this, talk to someone. There are lots of people out there ready to listen and help. If it means you need some time in a safe place (mine is in a blanket burrito, hiding in my closet or under a desk) or need a break from work, so be it. Do what you need to do...just don't do it alone. PUT YOURSELF FIRST. That was, and is, the hardest lesson I have ever had to learn and I still suck at it. That doesn't change the its importance. There are so many things that are important for someone to live well. Some of them are pretty basic: food, water, shelter; but others aren't as emphasized as they should be. Staying healthy and safe, interpersonal skills, relaxation, self-maintenance, mental health management, and how to care for yourself first.
When I was in high school, they loved to teach us about our futures. They taught us how to write and submit a resume or a school application. They taught us computer skills and how to formally debate a topic. They taught us how to solve equations and play volleyball. Now, I know how important some of these are, and for some people, these skills have been vital in fulfilling their personal goals and moving forward in their lives. Unfortunately for me, none of these really came in handy, and none of them helped to save my life. 6 years ago, I graduated high school and moved across the country for university. I had all the academic background a teenager could want, but I had no idea how to take care of myself. After two months, the following had happened: I stopped going to church because I didn't have the energy to get out of bed, I didn't eat because I was too scared to go into the cafeteria, I stopped going to classes because I couldn't stay awake and couldn't retain information anymore, I slept through a mid-term because I was too exhausted to function, I started scratching at my arm until it bled to deal with the mental torment I was going through. Eventually, I started hearing voices, and those voices weren't too fond of me. The voices started to ease off after I was put on antidepressants and spent a week on a pediatric psychiatric ward at the local hospital, but it wasn't enough. I was never taught how to take care of myself, and eventually, I tried to kill myself. I'm doing better now, 6 years later, and the voices went away a long long time ago, but mental illnesses don't go away, and it's a battle every day to keep the depression from pulling me down again. I don't know if having learned about mental health and putting myself first would have made a difference, but I like to believe that it would have. I'm starting this blog because I think it's important for everyone to understand themselves a little more, and know what to do when they need help. This isn't just help with mental health problems, it's also physical health, life skills like home maintenance, and ways to help others stay safe when they need help from you. Nothing is more frightening and frustrating than being unable to do anything when you know something needs to be done. Sometimes it's clearing an airway when someone is choking, or knowing when to call someone else for help, or even something as simple as unclogging a toilet (believe me, that is REALLY frustrating when you only have one bathroom). I don't want other people to go through what I went through. I know I can't fix everything and can't help everyone, but I'd like to at least make a tiny difference in the life of one person. That's enough for me. |
AuthorA volunteer. A dancer. A teacher. An observer. Archives
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